Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
