Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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