Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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