that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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