Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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