Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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