ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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