Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
