And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
