rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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