is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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