i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
