Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
