I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
