Your dad touched me again.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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