I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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