Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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