I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
