i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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