I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
