a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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