Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
