so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
