I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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