I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
