i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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