Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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