Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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