My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
