someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
