Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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