Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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