I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
