saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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