I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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