I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
false alarm. still invincible.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
