I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
