I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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