if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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