It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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