I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
