Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
