pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
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Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
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Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.