First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...