Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
His hands were made for my vagina.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?