Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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