Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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