I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
