probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
