My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
