In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
