Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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