Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
