I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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