nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
