Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
