...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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