dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
