I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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