We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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